March 18, 2009


Nothing I can do will change the outcome next week, so I just live for the next ten days and go from there.

That sounded like a great idea on Day 1. Now that it's Day 9, not so much.

These past few days have been really stressful because we have been mourning not only what we see as the inevitable loss of Baby #3 tomorrow, but also the loss of the whole theoretical concept of Baby Grok.

I have thought all this time that our problem was getting pregnant and that the two miscarriages were statistical flukes. Now I have started to panic that I can't carry a baby, which bodes so much worse.

Even after experiencing two miscarriages, your chances of having a third one are not much higher than if you never had one. [...] After three miscarriages, however, your chances of carrying your next baby to term go down to 50 percent.

There is no sense in trying to get pregnant again if subsequent babies will just die. And the normal problems that cause miscarriage -- low progesterone or blood clotting -- have already been addressed and don't seem to be my problem. And our jerk doctor doesn't seem to care about the underlying cause and just wants us to naively pay hundreds of dollars to try again.

Plus there's a deployment looming on the horizon again too, severely reducing our chances of getting pregnant, much less getting one to stick.

So we're heartbroken, because this may be the end of the road for us. We've spent the week trying to come to terms with the idea that we may never be parents and that we're cheating our parents out of grandparenthood (neither side has any grandchildren yet) and that our only legacy on this planet may be a date-harvesting program in Iraq and a few knitted items.

The loss of this baby means so much more than the loss of this baby.


Some links, for needed humor and whatnot.

My Latest Miscarriage:

Oh I'm rich with miscarriage material. I gotta tell ya -- I was thinking of creating a new line of greeting cards that instead of saying IT'S A BOY! or IT'S A GIRL! would say IT'S A MISCARRIAGE! Hello… is this thing on? Well I know for a fact I could have sold at least three of those cards… if I were buying them for myself.

Leap of Faith:

Trying once again -- or again and again -- to conceive after repeated miscarriages is a leap of faith, an act of amazing persistence, pure will, and even, one might say, stubbornness. For one thing, after three miscarriages, you're dubbed a "habitual aborter" by the medical profession, which is enough to make anyone take a vow of celibacy.

Posted by Sarah at March 18, 2009 06:53 PM | TrackBack

I had no idea about the odds. I'm more worried than ever.

Please don't think you're cheating your parents out of grandparenthood. Cheating entails intent. You did not choose this to happen.

I'll be thinking about you in the remaining hours ... and for a long time to come.

Posted by: Amritas at March 18, 2009 07:49 PM

What Amritas said.

Posted by: david foster at March 18, 2009 07:54 PM

There's nothing I can say to make things better for you. I wish I had a magic wand and the ability to fix this.

But you just need to let me know if there is anything I can do and I will.

Posted by: airforcewife at March 18, 2009 07:58 PM

I've been doing my agreed upon task this past week. I will continue to do whatever you need/want me to do after tomorrow.

AFW and I will be crafting a magic wand at SBL in a couple weeks as it seems we SB'rs are in need of one.

No platitudes from this girl b/c you & I know how you & I feel about those.

So, for now...I'll just shhhh.

Posted by: Guard Wife at March 18, 2009 10:19 PM

ditto. to the original, the ditto, and what afw said.

Posted by: wifeunit at March 18, 2009 10:34 PM

Sending you prayers and hugs.

Posted by: Mary at March 18, 2009 10:39 PM

You never know where your luck is.

Posted by: David Boxenhorn at March 19, 2009 01:29 AM

Also, 50% isn't that low.

Posted by: David Boxenhorn at March 19, 2009 02:26 AM

I keep thinking about you tonight. The only way your Dad and I would ever feel cheated would be if you and Russ were not in our lives. As your mother, my heart aches for you, and I wish I could just make things better. Know that we love you.
Your mama

Posted by: Nancy at March 19, 2009 03:06 AM

I have no words, other than - I LOVE YA and am, as always, wrapping my arms around you.

Posted by: LMT at March 19, 2009 08:51 AM