Before my husband left for SERE, I took a negative pregnancy test. We started discussing our options: I talked to my friend about her IVF experience and I talked to Guard Wife about the adoption process. We also talked about giving up, about accepting that things weren't working for us and tossing in the towel. It was depressing.
But now, it's déjà vu all over again: just like last May, once my husband's gone and incommunicado, I take another test. Negative. Or...wait... At about three minutes, a faint second line begins to appear. I squint one eye, then the other, looking at the thing like it's a Magic Eye poster. Is the line really there or am I crazy?
And then I just start to shake. I don't know if it's excitement or nerves, but I can barely calm down. And I have an immediate urge to run and tell everyone, which is reassuring. I was afraid I'd be afraid this time. But I feel pretty good, and we'll deal with disaster if we need to later on. Heck, I'm good at disaster at this point.
So I probably ought to announce the news as "I've taken a positive pregnancy test" instead of "We're having a baby!", but surprisingly enough, I don't really care to make that distinction. Either phrase works fine for me.
*****
I probably have taken a postmodern indulgence with the story behind this song, but it has always felt like my story. I don't know what Richard Shindell meant when he wrote it, but I have always imagined that the two parts of the song are about the same couple, first finding out their baby is dead and riding home in the taxi in agony, and then being picked up at the hospital in the future with their new baby. It has hurt my heart a little every time I've listened to this song -- especially the day I heard it when I was driving to the hospital to arrange my D&C -- but it has also given me hope, hope that we too will catch green lights all the way this time around.
My husband won't be home for another 15 days. I can't wait to tell him the news. (And I know he won't mind that I told all of you first.) I just sincerely hope there's still news to tell him...
Green lights, baby. Green lights.
Posted by Sarah at February 19, 2009 07:02 PM | TrackBackCongratulations and hopes/prayers for nothing but green lights and wonderful news from here on out.
Posted by: Amy at February 19, 2009 10:09 PMBest wishes!
Posted by: Butterfly Wife at February 19, 2009 10:16 PMI'm so happy for you! Although I really wish that the darn test would have been positive before your dh left! Congratulations!
Posted by: dutchgirl at February 19, 2009 10:19 PMI was just reading another blog of someone who had tragically lost a baby ...
Then I came here and saw this, and I cried with happiness.
There is hope.
Posted by: TW at February 19, 2009 10:58 PMI'm *so* glad. I'll be praying.
Posted by: Lucy at February 19, 2009 11:05 PMBest wishes for a wonderful outcome!
Posted by: Miss Ladybug at February 19, 2009 11:22 PMWow. Good luck!
And may it rub off on the rest of us.
Posted by: David Boxenhorn at February 20, 2009 12:09 AMI wish there were a way we readers could pool our luck together and give it to you. You deserve it ... and more.
May the green remain. You've seen too much red.
Posted by: Amritas at February 20, 2009 02:07 AMCrossing fingers, praying, hoping REALLLL HARRRRD!!! :D
The day I found out I was pregnant with my son was the day my husband was leaving for WLC (Warrior Leadership Course). I said, "Sweetie, come look! I think we're gonna have a baby. I'm going back to bed now."
And I stayed in bed ALL DAY and read, because I didn't want to get too excited – just in case.
I'm excited for you now, and I'm praying, praying, praying for you! :D
Posted by: Deltasierra at February 20, 2009 02:46 AMRest in the arms of prayer, friend. We're holding you up. :) *hugs*
Posted by: FbL at February 20, 2009 03:39 AMPrayers from me too!
Posted by: MargeinMI at February 20, 2009 07:41 AMI've been reading your blog faithfully for the past year (not necessarily for the political thoughts...since we don't agree...but I think it's good to read what everyone's opinions are) and am so happy for you! I'll be praying for you, your husband, and the little one.
Posted by: Stephanie at February 20, 2009 07:54 AMGreat news, Sarah. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Keri
Posted by: Keri at February 20, 2009 09:15 AMX2 on what Amritas said. You can have my luck and my hope.
Posted by: Mare at February 20, 2009 09:26 AMNo disagreements here. It's your turn!!
Good luck.
Sounds like this baby is doing a baby thing and showing up whenever it wants to! :) Yay!
Posted by: Tara at February 20, 2009 10:32 AMOh, YAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! Fingers & prayers crossed all the way - happy news, and green light vibes, baby!!! :-)
Posted by: kannie at February 20, 2009 10:52 AMYes!
Posted by: Maggie at February 20, 2009 01:58 PMI am so happy for you! Prayers, best wishes, luck and green lights all headed your way!
Posted by: Toni at February 20, 2009 02:35 PMEveryone at Fort W is rooting for you. :) We love you guys to pieces.
Posted by: Guard Wife at February 20, 2009 03:45 PMHugs and prayers and WOOTWOOT!!!!!!
Posted by: Reasa at February 20, 2009 05:47 PMHoly Crap. I didn't think come over this way for a day or two.... Saw your comments on FB.... And I can't believe that I get to see you tomorrow! YAY!!!!! Tears galore!
Posted by: Allison at February 20, 2009 09:10 PMI am so very excited for you. I so hope this works out. Even though I don't know you in person, I know you will be the most awesome parents ever. Any child would be lucky to call you mom.
Posted by: sharona at February 20, 2009 10:27 PMThoughts are with you!
Posted by: Kath at February 20, 2009 10:33 PMOh, boy - Praying for the best!
Posted by: Barb at February 21, 2009 11:06 AMMuch hope and good thoughts for you and your husband and the growing little one.
Posted by: Anwyn at February 21, 2009 11:17 AMYou've got everything I can muster up for luck, well-wishes, etc.
Fingers crossed and prayers said.
Yay!!!! Congrats, and hugs, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you that this one sticks. Prayers, too.
Posted by: Leofwende at February 21, 2009 04:01 PMSarah, I'm so excited for the both of you!! Many many wonderful thoughts heading your way :)
Posted by: Penny at February 22, 2009 03:04 PM