I've been thinking about Heidi a lot lately, about how she never blogs about feeling bitter or jealous, or about feeling lonely that people's lives have moved on while hers hasn't. She must feel this way at times, but she doesn't express it publicly. I emailed her and urged her to write about it, because I thought it would help her.
I think I'm retracting that advice.
Writing about how I felt lonely over the weekend I miscarried has backfired a little, I think. I meant every word I said, and it felt good to write about it and get it out. I felt such loneliness that, even having my mother there, even if 75 people had called me and I'd gotten 20 bouquets of flowers, it still wouldn't have been enough to fill the emptiness.
And it was hard because it was Scheduled Sadness. It didn't spring up on me unexpectedly; I had to make a conscious choice to make it happen. And so I scheduled my day for sadness, and sat at home waiting for sadness to arrive. I sat all day and clicked around on blogs, and no one was posting...because they were out living their lives and being happy, while I sat with my thoughts, waiting for sadness.
In some ways, this time was harder than the first. And the support was so overwhelming the first time that it was hard not to make this time look underwhelming. Everyone did too good of a job comforting me last December.
But my blog post, the feelings I thought were important to write, made some people feel bad, which has made me feel worse than the original loneliness. It actually makes me feel worse than losing the baby.
Which is kind of stupid, but that's my personality. I worry more about how other people will react than I worry about how I feel. Sometimes I get over that and blog about my honest thoughts, but it makes me feel like absolute crap when I learn that something I blogged hurt people's feelings.
It makes me not want to be a blogger anymore.
And even though there are lots of comments about how people understand and have been through the same, if I hurt just one person, I feel like a failure.
I thought that writing honestly and openly was a good thing, but I am not always prepared to deal with the consequences of doing so.
Posted by Sarah at June 22, 2008 01:14 PM | TrackBackWhat if you helped one person feel less alone in their own loneliness?
There are people in the same situation who don't discuss it with anyone. You're better off expressing it.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about making people feel bad. I'd think about the quiet people who are feeling better.
Posted by: Amanda at June 22, 2008 01:51 PMGood advice above.
Be concerned what is helping you past this sadness by writing and do not worry about the others.
Hope your heart and soul heal soon!
Posted by: Mel at June 22, 2008 04:36 PMI've thought about this same issue too sometimes. Sometimes I go back later and take down the post. Sometimes I leave it. Maybe there is such a thing as being too honest. But for me, your posts were raw, and real. You never know what someone will take from what you write. And not to dismiss other people's feelings in the least but you do your best to be inclusive and from what I've read you make clear your love and admiration for your friends. Make someone feel bad inadvertently is a bad feeling. And I do get it. But I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want you to stop blogging over it.
Posted by: Mare at June 22, 2008 05:24 PMWhen my friends have gone through a rough time and apologized for it later, I promise them I'll call them the next time I have a flat tire at 2 am. (Mind you, I'm never out at 2 am and have AAA.) Yeah, slogging through a rough time with my friends is not something I want to do, but I don't ever want my friends to be going through a rough time in the first place. I don't always get what I want.
I admit your posts brought back some memories for me, but I never resented you. I resent a situation from a long time ago, but not you.
If anything I respect your courage to be so honest, and think it might be a little easier for me to talk about it the next time those memories come up. And I'm not just saying that to keep you from killing the blog. I mean it.
Posted by: Jacki at June 22, 2008 10:46 PMI DID stop blogging. And it sucked so much worse. I still haven't been able to get into the groove, but I don't worry about it as I did before. I've been in counseling, you see, and have concluded (with a reminder) that I can only control ME, and even that is questionable. So either you, A. understand that you can only DO so much and you will never, ever, control someone else who does not want to be controlled and B. people don't live up to my expectations, and (WOW!) neither do I, and finally, C. do you really want to live your life FOR PEOPLE WHO YOU CANNOT CONTROL NOR LIVES TO YOUR EXPECTATION?
Keep blogging; it works! ;)
Posted by: Allison at June 22, 2008 10:54 PMWell, you helped me. I was going to mention it in my "Screw Sally" comment when she had put in her two cents, but decided to leave it at that. But now that I read what you're now thinking, here it comes... Reading what you went through, especially the last miscarriage made me feel a little more normal about mine. I've had three, and how you felt about a D&C versus a 'natural' one were feelings similiar to my own. My last miscarriage ended like yours, although I didn't have to go through taking the pill as you did, it just came on slowly and I knew what was happening. When I held that little person in my hand I found the closure I hadn't when I went in for the D&C's; where you go in, go to sleep and wake up no longer pregnant. There's not much closure there. When I would tell my family and friends how much better it had been to catch that little person and see them and say goodbye, they all looked at me like I was nuts, except my mom and sisters, they just got where I was coming from, although they did seem a little shocked. So you did help at least one person feel a little more normal. And hey, this is about you and your opinions on things, and this is why we read.
Posted by: Jen at June 24, 2008 12:12 AMI hate to tell you this dear, but you can't stop blogging. Because we won't let you! lol. You've got us hooked now!
Yeah, I can say from a more feelings blogger that it really does get messy. I don't tend to blog off the top of my head, which is good, until it's on a cyclical basis. Now if I forget to mention the exact stage of Clomid or if someone is counting it's hard to hide little facts like FAILING A PREGO TEST. Things that you really want to keep tight to yourself but you've already gone so far past it that you feel like you're failing your readers, even if you don't want to include them.
See? Complicated.
On a side note, when you sad you scheduled a sad day it reminded me of one of my sweetest most favorite most poignant movies: Elizabethtown. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend you run out and rent it RIGHT NOW. It is the perfect sad/funny moment movie. It's bittersweet and reminds you that sometimes you have to take a moment to wallow in sadness, than you still have to LIVE and it reminds you that a failure is a complete matter of perspective. I think you may like it.
Posted by: Darla at June 24, 2008 01:16 AMYour blogging is for YOU. We are just bystanders. Others need to learn one of the very important rules of happiness - don't take things personally. It is hard. But it is a choice we make every day. You wrote what you did for therapy - for honesty. It is hard to take someone else's truth sometimes - but it is just that - it is YOUR truth and doesn't have to match others' truths. awig
Posted by: awig at July 6, 2008 08:27 AM