June 14, 2008

MY POWER

When I was in college, I had a pet goldfish that I loved. And the inevitable happened, as it always does. One day he started doing that dance with death: float to the top, sink to the bottom, turrrrn slowly onto his back, right himself forcefully, over and over. I couldn't watch it anymore, and I knew I needed to put him out of his misery. I took him out of the water and held him in my hands as he lived his last few minutes. And it took all my willpower, everything I had, not to put him right back in the water.

This is the stupidest analogy in the world, but it's all I can think of this morning. That poor fish, struggling in my hands as I sobbed. And the awful, frightening feeling I had knowing that I wielded so much power. And that I also had the power not to do it. I could put him back in the water and wait for nature to take its course, or lightning to strike him, or anything that would take the decision out of my hands.

My baby is already dead, but this morning I have to take a pill that will make the baby come out of me. I have to do it. My power. The D&C was passive -- the doctors did all the work -- but this time, I have to make a conscious choice to begin the process. And I'm immobilized.

I don't want to do this.

I want to throw the fish back in the water, save the decision for another day.

But I can't.

Posted by Sarah at June 14, 2008 08:33 AM | TrackBack
Comments

I know it is small comfort, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: jck at June 14, 2008 09:00 AM

I'm so sorry.

I don't even know you that well, just through Spousebuzz and the bits and pieces that I've read here on your blog, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about all that you're going through.

I'm so sorry. And I wish there was something in the world that could make it better, but there's not.

So just know that this random stranger from the blog world cares about you and your baby. And though it's so small and doesn't change the course of anything, I am just so sorry.

Posted by: Val at June 14, 2008 10:27 AM

I wish you nothing but strength and pray your heart heals. It's a tough thing to go through and even tougher with your husband away. You've got the prayers and thoughts of so many of us out here...I only wish it was a cure all for you.

Posted by: Susan at June 14, 2008 10:56 AM

I'm so sorry Sarah.

Posted by: tink at June 14, 2008 11:28 AM

You don't know me and all I know of you is through SpouseBuzz and a handful of posts here. This post made me cry and I'm so sorry you have to go through this, especially with your husband away. I hope you find strength in this difficult time.

Posted by: Tania at June 14, 2008 02:39 PM

Holy crap that sucks so bad. I think the 'have-to' factor is really sucky, too. I am so bummed for you and hope that, at the very least, that freakin pill is fast. I haven't ever had to take that but it sounds absolutely hellish. I am thinking of you and crying.... I wish there were an alternative....

Posted by: Allison at June 14, 2008 03:04 PM