When I woke up, I had in mind all these reasons that today would suck. But today is half over, and it's not turning out half bad. I don't feel that sucky. I feel at peace.
The miscarriage is over. I took the medicine yesterday morning after I wrote that blog post, and I miscarried the baby in the early afternoon. Stacy, who's been through this before, warned me that I might not want to look. But as soon as he came out (yes, I took to calling him a "he," even though it was far too early to tell), I knew that wasn't the right choice for me. I held my little baby in my hand and was able to look at him and love him. I marveled over the little buds where his arms would grow and the tiny umbilical cord, as thin as thread. And I didn't want to let him go. But I had to say goodbye, and so I did.
It was the closure I needed; it was the closure I didn't get with the D&C. It was a little funeral, a ritual, a passage I needed to go through. I am very glad I had to do it this way.
And so he's gone. And I'm OK.
What I mourn right now is my future. My deployment was going to be filled with baby milestones and a growing belly to mark time. Now it seems empty. There will be no joy to fill the next seven months, no baby to keep me company, and no new definition of family to look forward to when my husband returns.
It's just me, in the house, alone. And that's part of the reason that, even though the baby was dead, I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to be left alone.
I didn't want to give up my future. Because now the future is uncertain again.
Posted by Sarah at June 15, 2008 11:42 AM | TrackBackWow. Just wow. You are alone physically, but I can tell you honestly that I have (and I am sure most everyone else who has been reading through this) is slathering you with prayer and thoughts. I know that the past few days, I have done nothing BUT think about you.... And about me and my experiences.... About being alone, too. Thank you for sharing so much. I know that I appreciate that I am/was not the only person who has felt this way. I feel connected to you through this experience (unfortunately)...
Posted by: Allison at June 15, 2008 02:00 PMYou are incredible and strong and beautiful. What an exceptionally amazing thing for you to do...
It's very important now and in the future for you to feel exactly what you feel. That probably doesn't make much sense, but don't try to talk yourself into feeling something different. If you're angry or sad or jealous or find something to laugh about, embrace it and feel it until it passes. Don't try to squash those feelings because other people have it worse, or any reason like that.
If I've learned nothing through all of my losses and battles, it's that I cannot hide from those feelings. If I try, they will come back to bite me in the ass in a much worse way.
I have never experienced what you have gone through and I am humbled by your strength through all of this. Given my current condition, you may not feel like talking with me. If you do, though, feel free to call anytime or let me know what you need.
I think of you many times throughout my day. Even though you feel alone, and I understand that, I hope you find some solace in the group of people who care about you here. We hurt with you and for you.
Don't hesitate to call or email if you need to talk.
Posted by: Sis B at June 15, 2008 03:36 PMI'm copying SisB's words here because they are so good, so important I certainly couldn't say it any better and probably not as good. Very good advice, Sis B.
"It's very important now and in the future for you to feel exactly what you feel. That probably doesn't make much sense, but don't try to talk yourself into feeling something different. If you're angry or sad or jealous or find something to laugh about, embrace it and feel it until it passes. Don't try to squash those feelings because other people have it worse, or any reason like that."
Posted by: Ruth H at June 15, 2008 06:54 PMSarah, you are so brave. I am so proud of your grace and courage thru this loss. I love Allison's phrase "slathering you with prayer and thoughts". I hope you know that all of us in your blog world do love and support both you and your dear husband all the way. You are both on my prayer list, and in my heart.
Posted by: Mary at June 15, 2008 09:05 PMYou are such a beautiful person. Though I don't know you - you are in my prayers.
Posted by: Darla at June 19, 2008 06:13 PMSarah, I am just now seeing this as I have been out of the loop in the blogging world lately.
I am very very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Kasey at June 27, 2008 12:40 PM