April 18, 2008


This morning we had an appointment with a fertility doctor.

I wanted closure. I wanted reasons. I wanted someone to pore over my charts with me and help me find the definitive a-ha as to why we haven't had a baby yet. And honestly, I wanted a big fat neener-neener "I told you so" that I could say to all the people who told me to just relax and stop stressing. I wanted there to be something wrong with us that we could fix.

But I didn't get that. Instead we got hemming and hawing and maybe you could get pregnant on your own but maybe you couldn't and you got pregnant once before but actually these test results don't look so good, well they're not the worst we've ever seen but they're not great and when are you deploying and for how long and hmmmm and uhhhhh and...OK, fine, you're candidates for fertility treatment.

And I guess the reasons ultimately don't matter so much. After 15 months, the ends justify the means, and whatever means it takes us to get a baby is fine by me. But I really wanted answers. Because as of now, we're still living with the same amount of uncertainty that we've dealt with for the past year. If there's nothing absolutely, definitively wrong with us that can get fixed, just some low numbers here and some less-than-optimal conditions there, then we just blew it. We had an 85% chance of getting pregnant this year and we blew it. That sucks.

And even though we're getting an extra dose of Science to help us on our way, it's just going to be more finger crossing and hoping for the best.

So my husband's leg of the journey ends here, but I must soldier on. Like Frodo with the ring, I will continue to carry the burden while my husband goes off to fight the battles of men (this analogy is totally working for me.)

And I'm ticked because we're right where I absolutely didn't want to be. We did everything we were supposed to do, and raised all sorts of concerns along the way. I took all my charts to the doctor last August and begged someone to listen to me. After the miscarriage, we pleaded with someone to hear our case. And now, now that my husband leaves for Iraq in less than a month, now they decide to help us. Now that the last 15 months have been one big fat waste of time.

And I can't help but be annoyed that if someone had just listened to me last year, our journey could've been more like this:

At any rate, we are where we are now and we have to make the most of it. At first the prospect of multiple babies freaked me out, but now I've gotten really used to the idea and I think I really want twins. Give me all the babies I am ever going to have in one fell swoop so I can be done with this horrible procreation process once and for all. Sorry, Mark Steyn, but I just don't have the stomach for it.

But it's funny; if we do end up having a baby, we will have Mark Steyn to thank for it. America Alone is the only thing that's kept me going. I asked my husband the other day what happens if we go through this entire stupid process and then only end up with one baby, do we go through it again? And he sputtered, "But...but...one child? But...Mark Steyn..." Ha, that book really messed with our heads.

So it's America Alone and now Sarah Alone, headed into Mordor with a burden that grows heavier with every step.

I start treatments the day my husband deploys.

Posted by Sarah at April 18, 2008 02:55 PM | TrackBack

Whatever you need; you know I'm here, right?

Posted by: Guard Wife at April 18, 2008 03:02 PM

I can't imagine your frustration. I felt something similar when I had knee surgery; I was hoping the orthopedist would find something, anything that was truly wrong, so that it could finally be fixed.
He didn't find anything, either.
As little as you know me, I'm here for you.

Posted by: Green at April 18, 2008 03:19 PM

Okay, I'm going to make it sound like Steel Magnolias here in the comments... but I'm here for you if you need anything, too.

Posted by: airforcewife at April 18, 2008 03:28 PM

Frodo wasn't alone and you aren't, either. You're just... MOSTLY alone. (movie reference: Princess Bride, and I hope it made you smile).

You know I haven't been through what you're going through... but when have I ever let that stop me from handing out advice!? I have found out in my life that things are almost never the way we want them to be. Even with careful planning. We have a vision of the way it SHOULD be, and we base our reactions to what IS based on that vision. Then when things go awry, the disappointment and desire for what we wanted can overshadow what we actually have.

I'm an atheist and I cannot say that I believe that "everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan." What I can say is that in every situation you face, you have the opportunity to learn and grow and become a better person, wife, and friend. And if you become a mother, you will be a stronger one through what you are experiencing now. I look back over the last few years and as overwhelmed as I am by the stress and loss and hurt, I can say without a doubt that I would not be the person I am today without those trials. Holy hell do they suck... but they made me who I am.

You will come through this. You really are not alone, although you do not have the support that you hoped to have during this time. Funny you compare to Frodo, because I'm currently reading the LOTR series yet again (I usually do once a year). For some reason that story helps me find hope and strength and helps me to keep putting one foot in front of the other, despite all odds.

It's not ideal, it really really sucks, but you can do it. And you have a whole host of people cheering you on during your journey, even if we don't always know exactly what to say.

You can do this.

Posted by: Sis B at April 18, 2008 03:55 PM

I am here as well, trust your gut and instincts, you will soon learn to rely on them as a Mother...

always trust yourself.

Posted by: awtm at April 18, 2008 05:26 PM

All of us out in the great WWW wish we were seeing baby pics from you today, but we're not. Right now what I wish for you is HOPE. I can understand if you have lost it, but now there is another plan and I hope it works.
And BTW, have I ever mentioned I am a twin, an identical? My point on that is, nothing wrong with multiples.
Cheers, looking forward to hearing good news from you.
(I feel like signing myself granny ruth.)

Posted by: Ruth H at April 18, 2008 06:15 PM

My best friend used fertility treatments (in vitro)after many months of trying to get pregnant. They finally discovered that she had a bad case of endometriosis with no symptoms. Anyway, she and her husband now has the cutest twin boys you've ever seen. They're 2 and she's crazy busy but happy.

Posted by: Nicole at April 18, 2008 07:55 PM


Posted by: Nicole at April 18, 2008 07:56 PM

Well I'll make sure I cross America Alone off my reading list, we are currently faced with that exact dilemma you mentioned. We went through it all and have only one child to show for it.

I wish you could have gotten more answers, and I wish you lots of luck as you begin this process. Mordor indeed.

Posted by: dutchgirl at April 19, 2008 01:45 PM

You start treatments on the same day he deploys? Girl you are an amazingly strong woman. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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