Saturday night the SpouseBUZZ authors surprised me with an unexpected baby shower. We oohed and ahhed over onesies and baby lotion and cute little socks. I was touched that they had conspired behind my back to throw me a shower, and it was so fun to imagine my little baby in sleepers covered in ducks and snails.
But today my husband and I spent six hours in the emergency room finding out that our 12-week pregnancy stopped somewhere around week 5. Our baby is no longer a baby. It never even had a heartbeat.
That's the way that the world goes 'round.
You're up one day and the next you're down.
It's half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown.
That's the way that the world goes 'round.
We got sad. Then we wanted to puke. Then we got angry and frustrated. Then we made crass jokes. And then it was back to sad. We've been through every emotion that exists today, and there's nothing else left to feel.
But what I feel most of all, what is weighing most heavily on me tonight, is time. We don't have time for a blighted ovum, as this condition apparently is called. We were racing against the deployment clock as it was, and now all I can think about is how we have to start over. Back to basal temperatures and the rollercoaster months. Only there aren't that many months left.
And this baby, this baby is still inside of me.
****************
I think I had more perspective when I wrote my SpouseBUZZ post.
Posted by Sarah at December 4, 2007 12:41 AM | TrackBackI wish I had some profound thing I could say, but I don't. I can only think to say you all are in my prayers.
Posted by: Yvonne at December 4, 2007 01:06 AMOh . . . man . . . :(
I read your Spousebuzz post first, but I thought I'd comment here, instead.
We lost our first baby shortly after my husband mobilized for Afghanistan. The hospital staff I dealt with were a bit incompetent, and they did not prepare me for the pain. But I'd read so much, I'd prepared myself mentally – thankfully, I'd only known I was pregnant for four days. I didn't have time to get used to it. Two friends of mine had the same situation as you did – they thought they were pregnant for twelve weeks before miscarrying. I just . . . can't imagine. Four days was enough for me. Then fifteen months of waiting to try again.
I'm glad you're going to prepare yourself to take your health into your hands when you get pregnant again (and you will!) – and I'm glad you prepared yourself somewhat for the miscarriage. I hope they could at least lessen the physical pain for you.
There's never anything "right" to say in this situation, especially when you're looking deployment in the face. If it helps, I'm shedding a few tears for you. This is such heartbreaking news . . .
God bless you and your husband, Sarah. Keep trying – your chance will come.
Posted by: deltasierra at December 4, 2007 02:36 AMI'm so sorry, Sarah. That is so hard.
This has happened to so many of my friends. And with the great majority of them, they got pregnant lickety split after that first miscarriage. My friend, an OB back in the states, says that sometimes the body has to destroy a little in order to be ready to create. Maybe there is something to that.
I think you're right. That baby is still inside you. And I believe that he or she is going to appear before you know it. Please don't despair.
Posted by: Non-Essential Equipment at December 4, 2007 05:50 AMAh Sarah. There is nothing I can say or add to what has already been expressed. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. **BIG HUGS**
Posted by: Lemon Stand at December 4, 2007 06:33 AMSarah, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers too.
Posted by: Butterfly Wife at December 4, 2007 07:34 AMI am so very sorry. I wish I could offer you some peace. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: dutchgirl at December 4, 2007 08:04 AMI am very sorry for your loss.
A miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through and I am very sorry that you and your husband are having to go through this.
*HUGS* and prayers
Posted by: Kasey at December 4, 2007 08:06 AMSarah - I am just so sorry. Wonderful things lie ahead for you in the future - of that I am sure. But right now this is about pain and loss and it is so hard.
Be good to yourselves and to one another and know that many many people care. I hope that helps a little.
Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear that. I am sure it is hard to share such a personal pain.
You know I am an older lady. So this is going to be a "how deep the snow was" type post. It is a wonderful thing that pregnancy tests can tell so early when you are pregnant. But... there is a drawback. When I was a young mother a doctor would not even allow that you were pregnant until you had missed two periods and it was felt that it was not a sure thing till you were three months. Many women, myself included always knew immediately when they were pregnant from changes basically in the breast, they became sore and tender, so even though a doctor might say "Oh, we don't know for sure," we knew. I cannot tell you how many thought they were pregnant and then after a missed period or two they were back on their regular schedule. So because they were not told they were pregnant they did not go through the extreme pain and loss you are feeling. SOME DID because they felt for sure they were.
This never happened to me and I know I would have felt the same as you if it had. Except for the time urgency.
Telling you that we know now you can get pregnant, doesn't ease your pain or loss. But it is something you can hold on to. Unfortunately it tells you, and all of us, that we are not in control. In these things our schedules don't matter, our bodies do their thing, and the days keep coming and going. It will happen for you Sarah, and I pray that will be soon. I can't imagine anyone who will be a better mother. I say will because you will be a mother, just not as soon.
I know your husband is grieving also, give him a big hug from me, hold each other very tight through this.
Sorry to hear that Sarah.
Posted by: tim at December 4, 2007 09:05 AMI'm so sorry to hear of your loss. . . .
Posted by: prophet at December 4, 2007 09:33 AMFrom one Mother to another...
I am so sorry.
Prayers from our home to yours. May you each be lifted up...
Posted by: awtm at December 4, 2007 09:41 AMSarah,
I can only offer you my sincerest condolences, I know how much I love being a father, so I think I might have a minute idea of the personal pain you are experiencing.
Take care,
Bubba a/k/a Andy
Sarah, You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mare & Stella
Posted by: Mare at December 4, 2007 10:06 AMI'm so sorry. I wish I had something better to say.
My prayers for you and your husband.
Posted by: Teresa at December 4, 2007 11:02 AMI'm so sorry Sarah. I'm crying with you and praying for you. It's a loss that is so deep it's impossible to understand unless you've felt it. I ache for you both.
No words can really help, so I'll just send you a cyber hug and make sure you know that there are so many of us that love you....
Posted by: Tammi at December 4, 2007 11:04 AMComfort must be awfully tough to come by at a time like this. But for what it's worth, our family sends our prayers. I hope your husband stays safe and you stay sane and strong.. and most of all I hope for two blue lines and a healthy little one for you soon.
I know you don't know me.. but if you ever want to vent, please write.
Sarah, I'm so sorry. I've lost 4 babies due to miscarriage, one very late in the pregnancy. I agree with Ruth H. I think all the early tests make it so much harder. On the bright side, I ended up having two wonderful, healthy children in spite what all my doctors said. Sometimes it's hard to understand something so painful, but I think, God gave me the children he wanted me to have. My prayers are with you and your husband.
Posted by: Noreen at December 4, 2007 11:35 AMYou've got time for perspective later. Right now take care of yourself and allow yourself to have any emotion you need to. You and your husband are in my prayers.
Posted by: Bette at December 4, 2007 11:58 AMSorry for your loss, no words are adequate. But...
Raising your youngest daughter from 0 to 18: oodles of dollars and a few gray hairs (tongue firmly in cheek).
The look on her face as she bounced around the house this past Saturday after opening her early admissions "Welcome" package from the College of William and Mary: PRICELESS.
Keep your chin up. It is indeed worth it.
Shawn - longtime anonymous reader in Virginia Beach.
Posted by: Shawn at December 4, 2007 12:52 PMSarah, you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: pam at December 4, 2007 12:53 PMOh, honey! I'm crying for you. Hugs and warm, comforting thoughts are coming your way.
Posted by: FbL at December 4, 2007 01:07 PMI have only a prayer for you and your husband.
Posted by: Peter at December 4, 2007 02:43 PMSarah - I am so sorry to hear this. THinking of you and your husband during this painful time.
Keri
Posted by: Keri at December 4, 2007 03:36 PMI am sorry Sara. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Reasa at December 4, 2007 04:50 PMsometimes there are no words . . . thinking of you!
Posted by: Heidi at December 4, 2007 06:33 PMOh no... I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Patrick Chester at December 4, 2007 07:41 PM((hug))
Posted by: Green at December 4, 2007 07:51 PMMy heart goes out to you. I cried for you and your husband when I read this. There are so many of us in our squadron that are TTC and a surprising number of us that have experienced similar losses. My prayer is that you grieve and try again. You're going to be great parents.
Posted by: InTheAirForceAgain at December 4, 2007 09:57 PMThinking of you. ((hugs))
Posted by: Josie at December 5, 2007 12:29 AMOh, Sarah, I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Anwyn at December 5, 2007 01:35 AMSo sorry to hear of your loss. What a wonderful network of love and prayers you have here. Erin's sister lost her first too and now she is 12 weeks along. I love what Ruth said but in the end it's not anything that can be said that changes the pain and loss. Only time. Hang in there. Much love to you and hubby from Washington. Erin's Mom
Posted by: Cindy French at December 5, 2007 10:29 AMLIFE...so fragile.
LOSS... so sudden.
HEART...so broken.
In the wake of such a loss, we're haunted by things we don't - and may never - understand.
Yet the solace we seek, may not come from answers.
So we look for comfort in the belief of love's everlasting
connection.
May that love lift you,
hold you close,
and give you peace.
Sarah, I am so sorry. I love you guys.....
debey
Darling Sarah, I recently had this conversation with someone about the "Big Plan" and how we are not priviledged to know all God's details... you just have to Trust. Know that Hope is yours... Noah & Mel also lost their first child at 16 weeks... and now there is Thomas James.
Very sorry for your loss. Our love, our condolences, and a BIG HUG to you and he.
SSM & the DH
Posted by: Some Soldier's Mom at December 5, 2007 11:34 PMI know how you feel. And I, too, never thought it would happen to me. It truly sucks and I am truly sorry that you had to live it. Next time will be better. (At least that's what I used to tell myself!)
And a suckier part is having to tell people. And the reactions of discomfort when you do.... I wish I could give you some good words.
All I can say is keep trying!
My last miscarriage was a little over a year ago and now I have twins.... It can happen that easily sometimes. Sometimes not.
My best thoughts to you...
Posted by: allicadem at December 6, 2007 10:27 PMSarah,
I'm so very sorry for you and your husbands loss. My experience was the same, we didn't know until we went for our ultrasound only to be greeted with sudden silence and changes in scans. The waiting for it to be over was the worst part, knowing what was to come and nothing could be done to change the outcome.
It's heartbreaking and it just sucks wet socks. But we will add our names to those who send you both hugs (warm fuzzies) and prayers that God in his wisdom will find a way for you both to experience parenthood.
I'm so truly sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Lee Ann at December 7, 2007 01:55 PMSarah,
All my life the only thing I knew was that I loved kids and could not wait for my turn. I am a scientific person...but the one thing that never entered into my thought process was nature turning against me! I just thought because we wanted a baby that it was going to be simple. And, scientific me had it down. But the shock and betrayal you feel when suddenly there is no baby but the "baby inside" literally does blow your world apart. I was alone that day at the doc's and had to look into that sweet man's eyes when he said he was sorry. I did not spontaneously miscarry and waiting almost four days for something to happen is surreal at best. I had to go through a procedure. I was sad, pukey, laughing, crying and asking scientific questions all at once. It was January 11th,1991. My oldest was born Nov the same year. Don't give up hope, just rest, readjust your plan a little and drive on. It is part of a plan that we sometimes don't understand but must get through to even taste the good stuff in the end...And tell your hubby that it will okay for him, too. Mine was scared to touch me because he didn't know if it hurt, the baby inside. I just told him I was so angry at my body and that it felt empty. His answer was to fill me with intimacy and love. Take care.