I have been thinking about something for a long time now, but I never blogged it because the moment had passed and I didn't think it made sense to revisit it. But now that the moment has resurfaced, I may as well.
I had a friend who was a fellow French major in college. She started a blog several years ago and mostly talked about personal stuff in her life. But right before the invasion into Iraq, she wrote a post about how the US is a big bully in the world and how we should listen to France. And I Went Off. I wrote a huge diatribe about why we should tell France to feck off, etc. The blog is long gone, so I no longer know her words or mine, but I know I probably came off too harsh. I think it took her completely by surprise, and definitely not in a good way. But I was right, by golly, and she needed to know why she was wrong. And I maintained that I was in the right for a very long time.
But what my tiff with Allicadem taught me, a full four years later, is that I was a bonehead. I might've been absolutely 100% right that we rule and France drools, but I should've handled the situation far better. Either I should've kept my mouth shut, or I should've treaded far more lightly.
In relationships, there are more important things than being right.
I screwed up, and it's too late to fix that mess. But being on the receiving end of Allicadem's mess brought me a whole new level of perspective. And I came away thinking a lot about my old friend and how, when someone is speaking from the gut, it's not always the best time to tell her she's wrong. Maybe I will make a terrible mother and I don't know being pregnant from a hole in the ground, but it probably wasn't a good idea to say so. She had the right to say it, but exercising that right may be followed by an entire comments section gang-up. I had the right to tell my friend that France is worthless, but exercising that right put a serious unmendable dent in that friendship.
So I personally learned a lot from an ouch situation, and I've managed to take that grokking and apply it to a new situation. I wrote at SpouseBuzz that a friend of ours is getting out of the Army, and the wife is starting to wear me down with her vitriol. I got a lot of advice to speak openly with the friend and to tell her how I feel, but I do not think I will take that approach here. I don't need to be right anymore, and I don't need her to know that the Army isn't evil. She is the one who needs to talk, whether or not I think she's right.
I feel embiggened that I learned from a mistake I made four years ago, that I was smart enough to finally realize it was a mistake and to break the cycle before I did it again.
It feels good not to be right.
Posted by Sarah at September 1, 2007 12:18 PM | TrackBack*POOF*
Right where I started from.
Did you really READ what I posted to you? I'm kind of starting to figure out that you're just a prick, Sarah. Sensitive? BAH!
Nothing I said to you was EVER as hurtful as the shit you said to me and the barrage of comments and the rehash of an excruciating time of my life. And even still, when I try and tell you that I am still hurting from the argument months ago, you fucking LINK right back to the beginning.
Well, whatever. Here it comes again. And I can't WAIT to hear what as asshole I am for thinking that you were 'flippant'. You were! "Getting pregnant is so EASY, why can't I?" "I have the room and the name and the stuffed animals.... Any dipshit can get pregnant. What's wrong with me? We've been trying for FOUR MONTHS."
Go ahead. Let's hear all about what a fucking bitch I am for it.
Posted by: allicadem at September 1, 2007 04:11 PMWow... allicadem is a real prick. If I had something that vicious to say, and I felt I couldn't bite my e-tongue, I'd email it, privately. Oh well.
What was I going to say? Oh right...
"Embiggened". I really like that word! It brightened my day for some reason.
Oh, the real thing I was going to say...
I learned that sometimes people just need to vent, and have someone listen. If they say something that REALLY bothers me, I can wait till they cool down.. a few hours, a few days... then talk to them about it, but I have rarely done that.
Good for you, Sarah. Grokking.
Yeah, I still have yet to learn the lesson that once you say something, it can never be taken back no matter how much you want to. I still try though to engage my brain before my mouth even if I am not always successful.
I liked both your post on Spouse Buzz and this one. They were both pretty thought provoking.
Posted by: Lemon Stand at September 2, 2007 03:46 AMI don't think Allicadem realizes - no one would've relived the linked piece until she posted such an obnoxious comment (and frankly re-reading the post - I still wouldn't have anything to say about the whole affair). So, it's for the current comment I say this - Allicadem sucks.
In any case, your post was spot on and a good one.
Posted by: N at September 2, 2007 04:40 AMMain Entry: flip·pant
Pronunciation: 'fli-p&nt
Function: adjective
: lacking proper respect or seriousness
To quote Andre the Giant, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
"I might've been absolutely 100% right that we rule"
It took four years to regret a hate-filled post to a friend who questioned an unprovoked attack on Iraq?
Guess it will take another four to realize you might not've been "absolutely 100% right", either.
Posted by: Q at September 3, 2007 05:50 AMHee. "Embiggens". It's a perfectly cromulent word! :-)
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