January 27, 2009


I wrote at SpouseBUZZ about how we've been spending our block leave. One nice thing about just being at home is that we can be so lazy. We've been waking up and then spending about another hour or so talking and loafing in bed. It has been nice to be able to do that.

And we know it and keep talking about it in a meta-knowledge way.

I have been trying harder to live in the now, to live my real life and not the parallel one. We have been trying to find the good in not having a baby, and lazing around in bed until 9 AM is a definite start. We keep reminding each other that we can't do that anymore once we have kids, so we should enjoy it while we can. We are trying to be happier about not having a baby and focusing on the silver lining.

Another mental change I need to make is about my health. For two years, I have stressed out about what I was eating and drinking, in case it would have either a positive or negative effect on fertility. I have made myself sick with this cycle of guilt about having a glass of wine, etc. No more. I can't keep living this way, where I am freaked out that every little thing I do might injure this baby that doesn't even exist yet.

I also have put off diving into an exercise regime because you're not supposed to drastically change your exercise habits upon becoming pregnant. I never wanted to go to the gym because, what was the point?: If I got into a good habit of going to the gym for two weeks, I might get pregnant and quit going anyway. So I never had the motivation to start something that I imagined myself quitting. And two years later, I am just mad that I have been living my life in two-week intervals. So I'm going to start exercising, and we'll deal with baby if/when it happens.

We're hardening our hearts a little, mentally preparing ourselves for not having a baby, which is a hard thing to do when you also have appointments for fertility treatments. But I have hated the way we've been living for the past two years, so it's not like it can get any worse.

So we're enjoying doing whatever the heck we want with our time while our time is still ours.

Posted by Sarah at January 27, 2009 12:03 PM | TrackBack

Enjoy more goat-cheese lasanaga!!! Hmmmmm.

Posted by: BigD78 at January 27, 2009 01:35 PM

Your husband can't get his mind off work. Neither can I. Ever, and I don't even have his level of responsibility. I don't understand how anyone can truly get away from their work. Perhaps it's because they consider their work to be a separate, detachable entity rather than a part of them. I realize it's not fun at times, but I appreciate your husband's dedication, and I don't think you'd really want him any other way. Besides, it's not as if he is working full time unpaid during block leave. Now that'd be going way too far!

The childless life certainly has its advantages!

I wonder if you have been obsessing over your eating and drinking because that is something you can control - in an attempt to compensate for that which you cannot control.

Are exercise regimes and gyms necessary to maintain fitness that once was integral to a farming lifestyle? The sedentary, urban phase of human history is but a blip.

Posted by: Amritas at January 27, 2009 01:36 PM

This sounds very wise, imho. As they say, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

Even when focused on achieving/attaining something big and worthwhile, life is still happening in the little things... I remember how I had to throw myself 100% into a ridiculous schedule in order to achieve my educational dreams for awhile. And I was amazed as I later looked back and realized the ways in which the necessary tunnel vision on a very worthwhile goal had somewhat inhibited my experiences and personal growth in other areas during that time. As I've also heard: Life is what happens when you're not paying attention... ;)

*happy hugs*

Posted by: FbL at January 27, 2009 05:28 PM

Your comment section hates me.

This more relaxed outlook, taking things as they come and doing what you want to do with your life as it is right now rather than as it might be if only sounds like a healthy change.

Enjoy having your husband home while he is. Mine leaves in a week or so for a month, then maybe 2 more months, then home for 3 (if I'm lucky), and then gone for a year. *Sigh*. Woohoo for pre-deployment craziness.

Posted by: Leofwende at January 27, 2009 06:20 PM

Your comment section hates me too. I've been trying to comment for weeks, now, unsuccessfully. We'll see if it works this time.

I know that nothing I (a complete stranger) say can really make things better. But I also know that I hate it when I put up a post about something hard and then it sits there with no comments ever. So what I've been trying to say is: I am out here reading. And I'm sorry that things are painful.

I'm glad the block leave is good.

Posted by: Lucy at January 27, 2009 10:16 PM

Exercise is good for you. But, speaking from some recent experience, you can't just jump in whole-hog on it - you need to go at a pace you can handle and build up. So, baby or no baby, adding regular exercise doesn't have to be a drastic change.

I still feel like I'm in that holding pattern, too. I need to start gearing up for the spring hiring season - making sure all those districts I'm interested in have current, up-to-date applications, thinking about the job fair at the university on April 1st, with smaller, district-specific job fairs over the following weeks. I can only hope that my work on my New Year's Resolution (in week four, and still sticking to things) can only help: I know making hiring decisions based on someone's appearance (e.g. - fat vs. not fat) is technically illegal, but it's nothing I can prove, and having less of me "on the market" can only help.

So, just think of the things you anticipate changing being positive things that can only help you in the long run, regardless of what the outcome eventually turns out to be...

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at January 28, 2009 07:35 PM