January 20, 2009


If you thought Worldwide Obama Day couldn't get any worse...let's throw in a big fat negative pregnancy test for good measure.

I am not feeling the hope and change.

Maddeningly, I remain the eternal optimist, even when there is absolutely no logical reason to be. Despite the fact that I have taken 16 negative pregnancy tests and only two positive ones, every month I still hold out that hope. I start to plan and dream and get excited...based on an 11% success rate. How stupid am I?

I'm trying to take these lyrics to heart. I have been trying for two years to not become my own prisoner. I really have. But every month I'm not pregnant stains my heart. It is a battle, the challenge of my life, to imagine that I will ever get past this.

And I carry those bruises to remind me wherever I go.

You can gaze out the window get mad and get madder,
throw your hands in the air, say "What does it matter?"
but it don't do no good to get angry,
so help me, I know.

For a heart stained in anger grows weak and grows bitter.
You become your own prisoner as you watch yourself sit there
wrapped up in a trap of your very own
chain of sorrow.

Posted by Sarah at January 20, 2009 06:05 AM | TrackBack

{{HUGS}} as nothing else I have to say would mean much.

I'm around should you need to cash in any chips or something.

Posted by: Guard Wife at January 20, 2009 08:57 AM

It does not seem fair those repeated waits for the test results to show. Wondering if your mindset needs to change to give you the results you want. Should you force feelings of hope and visualize the positive or go with the honest gut feeling no matter how disappointed you already feel? I hate that.
But you aren't stupid.
The ones that pay attention every cycle can't help but discover how slim the percentage is for success. And the ones with forces shrinking those chances can't help but have their heart hurt each cycle that passes. It is a maddening process. I don't know how to let negative test roll off me without a bit of bitter wallowing, so if you find a way make sure you blog it...

Posted by: wifeunit at January 20, 2009 09:03 AM

I am so sorry that this is so painful for you. I don't know enough about it to offer anything beyond hugs and support.
But to make you smile - guess what my husband and I are doing tonight? We are taking the NRA basic safety course at a nearby range. I've NEVER been around a gun before, let alone seen one fired and tonight I am going to do both. We want to participate in exercising our 2nd amendment rights. And this is to some degree due to reading your blog. So take (partial) credit!
Ironic to be on this exact day, but that is when the class is held!

Posted by: Amy at January 20, 2009 09:58 AM

Well, your success rate is still higher than congress' approval rating...

Posted by: Chuck at January 20, 2009 10:02 AM

Yeah, I'm with Chuck. I wish I had some good advice, I don't. All I can say is Cheers, better luck next time, all meaningless to your heart. Anyway you know you have my best wishes.

Posted by: Ruth H at January 20, 2009 10:37 AM

*Hugs* Sarah.

Posted by: Leofwende at January 20, 2009 11:02 AM

Maybe there's a way we could get you to pee on congress...

(Course, Bawney Fwank and the rest of the degenerates would likely get off on that...)

Posted by: Chuck at January 20, 2009 04:49 PM

I'm sorry to hear this, Sarah. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers and may even recruit my mom - she's better at the prayer thing than I am...

Chuck, you crack me up ...

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at January 20, 2009 08:59 PM

You're not stupid. You remain hopeful & optimistic! Which is a good thing for as long as you can manage to hang on to it.

Posted by: sharona at January 20, 2009 10:28 PM