how can I explain personal pain
how can I explain my voice is in vain
how can I explain the deep down...driving
I had myself convinced that I was going to have triplets. I had them named, and at night before bed I would have visions of myself corralling toddlers. I was kind of excited that we might breed at more than replacement rate. Twins was also acceptable. I got comfortable with the idea of multiples. Shoot, one was feeling like a let-down.
But I never prepared myself for zero.
Sure, I knew it could happen. Just like I knew two years ago that it was possible to have fertility problems. But it's one of those things that happens to other people. It wasn't going to happen to me. Because everyone I know who did the treatment I just did got pregnant. And since I have been pregnant twice before, and we know it's biologically possible, I figured this was the boost we'd need to make this work.
I never put any energy into thinking it wouldn't.
I feel so much frustration and ire today. I feel emotionally incredulous. I feel biologically sickened.
I feel like a failure. Squared.
I want to have my husband's baby. He's handsome, strong, tall, and fit. He's super smart. He's only been sick once since I've known him. He has perfect vision and nice eyebrows. His genes belong in the pool.
And we've been ready for two years. We have a stroller. We have a the paperwork for a rider on our life insurance. We have the baby names we picked out eight years ago. And yes, though it's been mocked, we have a nursery filled with knitted stuffed animals and blankets.
We still see ourselves like the end of Raising Arizona. But it's just as cloudy for us to imagine as it was for H.I. McDunnough.
One year ago today, I told you all that I was pregnant. Little did I know that we too would have "no return of the salad days." And last Christmas, I consoled myself with the hope that we'd have a baby in the house by this Christmas. Not even close.
And, you know, I am always the first person to try to keep things in perspective. To be grateful that I have a great husband and a nice home and plenty of things to be thankful for. But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have.
And I probably should stop listening to The Violent Femmes, because that's not really helping anything.
Posted by Sarah at October 20, 2008 03:13 PM | TrackBackYou are not a failure.
I think the terms 'success' and 'failure' should only apply to outcomes that you can control. You've done everything you can.
You have people on your side, no matter what happens.
Posted by: Amritas at October 20, 2008 03:49 PMI'm so sorry it's all so sucky. I don't write about any of our baby frustrations for many reasons, and there's no way to ever compare situations, but I know how much it can all suck and there's just not much you can do about it.
Posted by: Beth at October 20, 2008 06:20 PMHang in there, Sarah. You have a lot of readers pulling for you. (and this one is praying for you) Your stories help me understand what my sister and various friends are going through.
Posted by: MrPhil at October 20, 2008 06:35 PM"And, you know, I am always the first person to try to keep things in perspective. To be grateful that I have a great husband and a nice home and plenty of things to be thankful for. But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have."
Me too, and I have cried all day. And felt guilty for crying all day. But you know what, every now and then we have to admit this shit sucks and feel down about it for a while before we can get back up again.
I don't know how you would feel about it, but the Military Family Life Consultants here are wonderful and understanding. I've gone to them on several occasions, and they understand better than my normal therapist the big issues and how they are compounded even more by deployments and other aspects of our lives.
Thinking of you. I don't know what to say. Just thinking of you.
Posted by: Sis B at October 20, 2008 06:50 PM((((((HUGS))))) It is ok not to look at the blessings every once in awhile. I know of nothing else to say.
Posted by: Reasa at October 20, 2008 07:02 PMSometimes it helps to rail against fate or whatever. But it is hard to cry when there is no one there to comfort you. I know you appreciate all your blog readers and their hugs and sympathy but we are not a replacement for a baby to rock or a husband in the house to hug you. Maybe you can laugh again if I mention Abraham?
Posted by: Ruth H at October 20, 2008 08:09 PMYou know I love you like a fat kid loves cake, right? Oh, okay, it's the same as the amount that *I* love cake, but still.
It made me feel better to hear your voice tonight. As a side note, Hubs says he will take one for the team...just call the play. :)
I love you, sista. I'm looking forward to having some quality Sarah time next month.
I will call you or you call me...either way, Verizon is happy. :)
Posted by: Guard Wife at October 20, 2008 09:08 PMIt sucks... let it suck for a while... when you are ready, pull up your boot straps and give it a go again... thinking of you and reading you everyday... you are a tough one
Posted by: kristie at October 20, 2008 10:03 PMI know there are no words I can say to make it better. I think you're very brave, and I don't think I could have shared what you shared this weekend, like you did, if I were in your shoes. Hang in there, and know that people care about you!
Posted by: Miss Ladybug at October 20, 2008 10:58 PMSarah,
These are the times, when being an imaginary friends sucks eggs...
If I was there I would make a huge raspberry chocolate cheesecake.
We would sit on the couch and I would let your cry, all day. and when the sky turned to dusk, I would rent idiocracy, and make us drinks...
And I would ask, what are the names, and what sexes you had imagined these little ones to have....
you my dear are mourning another loss....
cry, you need to, sit in bed and knit all day.
I have no doubts that your quest for Motherhood will be successful
Posted by: awtm at October 20, 2008 11:25 PMSarah,
It may not help, but, there are those of us out here who know what you're going through. I remember and my heart aches for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will comfort you and fill your arms with love.
Posted by: Pamela at October 21, 2008 12:10 AMBut today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have.
You know, it's okay for that not to be enough. Sometimes it just hurts too much to do anything but feel the pain. And that's okay, too. Just ride the wave until it recedes and you can cope again.
*loving hugs*
Posted by: FbL at October 21, 2008 01:23 AMThere's not a whole lot I can say that hasn't already been said. You are entitled to feel the way you do and I say that from experience. There are some things in our lives that break us down like nothing else and it's okay. Life does, at times, suck. And, at Chateau L, it sucks big when it sucks.
I have always had a tough time subscribing to "everything happens for a reason" and "things happen when they are supposed to." I still do, but when I look at Olivia, I'm reminded that was true, at least once.
You will have a baby to love. A bouncing bundle of joy who will one day mock the knitted animals, but you will have that love.
Hang in there, sister. There are a lot of prayers being sent up along with well-wishes and I'm sure some pixie dust is flying somewhere for you.
Don't give up hope...it's coming. I know it is.
Posted by: Susan at October 21, 2008 09:07 AMOh, Sarah.
I'm with AWTM -- I wish I could come over in person. I'd bring homemade cheesecake, and homemade chocolate-peanut-butter-chip cookies, and my warm fuzzy kitty all squooshed in a blankie to cuddle in your lap for six hours.
Would a virtual hug do?
Posted by: Lissa at October 21, 2008 10:49 AMI'm sending some virtual hugs, too. It's totally legitimate to embrace the suck once in a while. To get that all out, work through it, and eventually come back out the other end of it a stronger person. I'm praying for you, and I'm sure that some day you will have your baby or babies one way or another. Again, hugs to you.
Posted by: Emily at October 21, 2008 11:45 AMi have stayed away because i don't think you want to hear from me with my baby stories and swear words for what you are going through. but i'm still here and i'm thinking of you :)
Posted by: Kate at October 21, 2008 03:51 PMI am sorry. I wish there was more I could offer besides virtual hugs and prayers and good thoughts. I wish I could just wish this away for you. I wish I could call someone, write an email, lobby someone on your behalf, pull some strings.
So I pray. Lots. For you.
And I'm sorry.