It seemed like such a nothing choice, putting that Ray of Light CD in the player. I haven't listened to it in nearly ten years.
It wasn't a nothing choice. I am unable to do anything now but sit immobilized with my thoughts.
This CD takes me back to France. And not in a good way. That year of my life, I wish I could erase it. It is such a deep wound. I spent eight years loving France and waiting to get there, and then I hated it once I was there. After a horrible month of bad experiences with my host family, worse experiences with teachers, and being chased by a pervert until I had to climb under a car to hide from him, I turned numb to France, pretending I wasn't there. I got into a hurtful and bad romantic relationship with another exchange student instead. The year culminated with my near-death. And anything that reminds me of that year makes me sick.
*****
That's how I started a post yesterday. I never finished it because, coincidentally, a friend from that year in France called me while I was writing it.
The post sat as it was; the bad feelings lingered to today.
I remember thinking it was cute that The Girl wrote a post just to remind herself of a day when she was feeling fine. This is my post to document a day when I'm not doing well.
Yeah, it's 0100 and I'm still awake.
It was that France stuff hanging over me today. Thinking about how crappy the year was, what bad choices I made with my life, and how awful I feel in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about it.
But mostly today it was the eyes. I feel like they're getting worse instead of better. I'm back to hating my body. I'm back to feeling the unfairness of having a body that won't accept a baby and eyes that won't accept Lasik. I am discouraged.
And I'm reading a book for a SpouseBUZZ review. I read the entire second half of the book tonight, two hours of feverish reading. It took me right back to the last deployment. It included names that I'll never forget: Kenny, Iwan, Khan, Falkenburg, Sims. (And just now, in looking up how to spell "Falkenburg," I couldn't avoid three names that brought the tears: Prewitt, Rosales, and Becker.)
So here I am, at 0100, not having such a good day.
And I just thought I ought to document it.
Posted by Sarah at July 29, 2008 01:20 AM | TrackBack
So sorry you're having a bad day. Will you talk to your Dr. soon about your eyes? I have heard about this a time or two from friends who got this proceedure, that they've had to go back one more time. Though from the sounds of it you might not want to go back through it again.
It sounds like your experience in France was terrible. I don't know how bad your host mom was, but I know mine was terrible. She stole my medicine for the brochitis I caught from showering in her house with cold water and an open window to a south american winter. She locked all the food in the house and only fed me on piece of toasted bread per meal, with a little butter and tea. Then she started to make me wash my clothes in the shower while I only had 5-7 minutes before she shut off the water.
The list could go on. When I finally had a good grasp of the language we would fight all the time. I went to Chile with a third party company that took very good care of its students and I was offered a new host family. The problem was that I didn't want to get to know a new family, new set of rules, and move all my stuff. I also really loved the rest of the family and hung out with my brothers and sister a lot. But I'll never forget the ill treatment I recieved from her. Ever.
A friend of mine went to France and stayed just outside Paris in a small village. She said she hated most everyone she encountered. That the French people were the most violent USA haters she'd ever seen. I recall a brief posting from you about what you experienced, but I'm not sure how deep it goes.
I know it doesn't feel like it but things will cheer up soon.
Posted by: Sara at July 29, 2008 09:56 AM*hugs*
Posted by: FbL at July 29, 2008 10:04 AMCheck your Hotmail ;-)
Bob
Indulge. let yourself be crabby, grumpy, cry, howl at the moon if you need to. Being strong, happy, content is great - but none of us are that way all the time. Some days - just suck. everything you ever did "wrong", comes back and smacks you upside the head - all the hurts, the arguments, the bad choices. Acknowledge them, even grieve over them a little (notice, a LITTLE) and give yourself some time.
LAW
Posted by: LAW at July 31, 2008 05:17 AM