trying to grok

Sigh. I just wanted to say that I know those feelings. I know them, like I know my own face. The best thing I can think of to say is that in my experience of life, things that did not come easily were more precious, more of a treasure to be thankful for. I most certainly feel that way about my daughter. It has made me a better parent, of that I have no doubt.

OK, you may not like what I'm going to say, and everyone will understand that.. but... you found out you are NOT perfect, you are human, and that's not an easy thing to face. I'm sorry it happened in such a lousy, horrible, painful way. BUT - it needs to happen to each of us. We need to look in that proverbial mirror and really see who we are. NONE of us is perfect. NONE of us doesn't feel envy, hate, prejudice, pain. Even His Holiness the Dalai Lama has said he feels them, but he acknowledges FEELING them, it's what you DO with those feelings that shows what kind of person you are.

Your anger and pain are logical, are understandable, are HUMAN!! don't beat yourself up with this. Understand why you felt it, understand how you dealt with it. Learn, appreciate CaliValleyGirl's patience and beautiful friendship for what it is. and be kind to yourself. You came through a long journey and are starting another. I hope that it will be a beautiful one.

LAW

But if you had a baby this week, your husband would miss the birth.

Thanks, LAW. That actually did make me feel better. It's not the feelings, it's what you do with them.

It's funny because for me, blogging is like going to confession! I need to let it all out, so I am accountable for both my feelings and also what I choose to learn from them.

CaliValleyGirl once said that she didn't think that she could keep knitting for all her friends if she had been the one to lose her baby. But that thought never really crossed my mind. You just keep on knitting, and someday it will be your turn.

Keep on knitting...

Have you considered therapy? I can recommend it highly from personal experience.

Isn't LAW wonderful? She's also very right.

Here's another secret to motherhood (which is how I know you've already started the journey and that you're going to be extraordinary at it): you learn horrible things about yourself all the time. Especially when you're doing it right.

You find the ugliest parts of yourself, but at the same time, you'll discover incredible strength and beauty that you didn't know about, either. Motherhood is a gigantic leap into "knowing thyself". And with every new development--whatever "success" or "failure" it might be--you learn more about your own mettle. So far, the process hasn't stopped (and I don't expect it to). My oldest child is 5, my stepdaughter is 7.

In time, you may be able to look back and appreciate the road that you've had to take. That time will probably be when you are holding your new baby, and you realize that you wouldn't have him or her without the experiences leading up to that moment.

You're doing a fine job, and your willingness to see your "ugly parts" just proves your strength.

I know you'll want to slap me, but for some reason this makes me smile... I see how far you've come and how much you've grown in this time, and even though it was horrible and difficult, you're still going. I'm not smiling about your struggle, but about your ability to press on. Besides, you have a few more months to laugh at Cali when she's not getting any sleep and is learning all those early motherhood lessons from hell.

Ok, love the Socrates lecture... its one of my favorites.

You are too near what happened to see it differently. You may not appreciate the growth experience until WAY past it. (I call them AFGO's - another f&^king growth opportunity)

I am happy that you are a big enough person to admit ugly feelings. Own it girlfriend!! I've done it (admitting to friends who were happily married shortly after my marriage failed) and my friends were cool enough to understand. They actually tell me now that they respected me more for admitting to the ugly green monster.

She goes before you for a reason. You will still learn together. A year difference in children's ages seems like a lot at first. Then, later, you'll have similar stories to share and laugh (and cry) about!

You rock. I love your blog.

I loved this post. It's one of those posts I wish I could bookmark like my college textbooks to go back and look at later when I'm in need of it.

My husband and I had our own experience with the green monster when I found out my college roommate was pregnant this last winter. At that point, over Christmas, we had been "trying" for 6 months with no luck, and I got an email from her, recently come back from her post-college trip around the world; miss adventurer, who didn't know if she wanted marriage or kids ever, yet let herself get pregnant by a native guy she fell for on Vanuatu while she was playing pirate and helping deliver medical supplies to the islanders.

When I got that email from her, I was shocked. I didn't know what to think. By the time she told us and all of her friends back home, she was 5 or 6 months along, and had obviously dealt with her own insecurities and decided to be happy about it. I wanted to be able to support her, as she is my friend and I knew she would need it, but a part of me just hated her for being irresponsible and for getting pregnant accidentally when we had done everything "right" and were having no success. My husband's reaction was even worse than my own. He had never met her (as she had been off globe-trotting by the time I met him), and his opinion of her character dropped to nil instantly. The fact of her accidental pregnancy when we wanted a baby so badly sparked the biggest fight that he and I have ever had, and probably ever will have, mostly because I didn't want my husband to believe my friend (and by extension, me, for being friends with her) was as immature as her actions proclaimed (somewhat illogical, perhaps, but both of our emotions were going haywire).

All of this happened less than a month after I found out that the first of my cousins on my Dad's side to have a baby also got pregnant out of wedlock. We had been hoping to have the first great-grandchild on either side, as my only other married cousin had said they were waiting a few more years. One of my other friends from college had also just given birth to a well-deserved and beautiful baby girl.

I remember how hard it hurt, and still does when I think about it too much. I didn't respond to my globetrotter friend's email to wish her luck until after she gave birth in April; I couldn't. Every time I saw her name I thought of both my evil feelings over her baby and about the huge fight I had with my husband. It took a lot out of me to think of even trying to pretend to be genuinely happy for her.

It's easy enough to get over it when you don't know the person, but it's ever so much harder when it is a friend that you're jealous of.

So yeah, I just wanted to say that I, too, know those feelings, and hate them. I guess it's something we just have to learn from.

Sarah, LAW is so right: feelings are just feelings; it's what you do with them that matters. And what you have done with them is extraordinary. Bravo for how you have conducted yourself these last nine months! While our circumstances are different, you know how much I understand some of those feelings, and I wish I had dealt with my situation as well as you have yours. You are amazing.

Hey, not to steal your thunder with The Dhammapata, etc., but one of the players on Gossip Girl told her daughter "The choices you make now make you the person you are. So choose wisely." Wow, who knew Gossip Girls could be so deep! See, you could have stayed home from the lecture and enjoyed a nice TV show with a moral message! Hah!

honey - I don't knit, I crochet! you need to teach me HOW to knit.

LAW

Wow, this post is making me cry my eyes out. Learning to recognize and acknowledge the worst in ourselves is the biggest and most important step in personal growth. It is also the HARDEST thing to do. Sometimes these lessons can take years to understand. Sometimes we never understand them at all.

I'm a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, or as Tonya put it, those darned AFGOs (I am SO adding that to my lexicon!). As horrible as losing your baby was, it has definately been a huge opportunity for you to learn, and to appreciate where you are now all the more.

I think you are an awesome person. Your level of maturity, insightfulness, and understanding just blows me away, which is why I come here every single day.

Thank you so much for the big ol' 2x4 cluebat upside my head this morning. I really needed it. You rock!