I made a list of things to say
But all I really want to say
All I really want to say is
Hold her and keep her strong
While I'm away from here
--R.E.M. Green Album
The other day, my husband asked me how I think I'll feel when the next deployment rolls around. And I wondered why he'd asked; he said softly, "Well, you know, nothing's been the same since Sean Sims." And he's right.
I've given up with the pretending too. When I'm quiet for too long and he asks me what I'm thinking, I've given up lying. "I'm thinking about what happens if you die," I now answer. And it's awful how often the thoughts creep in. It is so sick, this anticipatory grief. He's right here beside me, and it's weird that sometimes I can't even enjoy him because I'm planning for some imaginary future that I hope never comes.
And I wasn't like this before. He's right; nothing's been the same.
Sacrifice is no longer theoretical when you've watched someone live with it for years.
Well I have been trying to think what to say about this and I can't figure it out. I know it is easier said than done but try to enjoy each minute together . . . I have thought about the ratio of soldiers deployed and those killed and it is low . . . so your odds are favorable. Then I ask myself, how the hell did I get so unlucky? Oh well, enjoy Charlie too, update? Maybe a good trip would do you good, LOL!
Posted by: Heidi at February 20, 2008 09:04 AM