I've been working on my relationship with Heidi for a year now. I've felt uncomfortable with the fact that the reason we became friends is because her husband was killed. I'm slowly getting over that, but today I was once again struck by how much I hate that our relationship is littered with eggshells.
I was writing something to her, and I wrote, "I am scared to death of" before I stopped and realized I had chosen my words poorly. Every time I write to her, I find myself backspacing over all sorts of stupid expressions: "I could've just died when I said", "that joke killed me", "I love her to death." I feel like some dumb sitcom character who stutters like an idiot because he just asked a blind girl if she saw something. When do you get over that? When will I stop having to police myself so I don't say something stupid? When will our friendship just feel normal?
Posted by Sarah at December 22, 2005 11:14 AM | TrackBackWhen you stop avoiding the subject of death. He died. She knows that.
By doing this awkward, constant, un-natural dance you are simply putting an additional burden on her: having to deal with your dealing with her loss. In other words, you are inflicting your care on her.
If you think she doesn't notice you tip-toeing around her, think again.
I was once waiting in a doctor's office, when an older man with a walker came in. He slowly made it over to a chair near me, and sat down. I turned to him and said, "That looks like a real pain in the ass."
His whole demeanor changed. He laughed, and said, "You sure got THAT right, buddy!"
Posted by: Bill at December 22, 2005 07:52 PMI have a friend Bruce that lost a leg in a tree cutting accident. He rides a Harley-Davidson and keeps a crutch at the Harley dealer so that he doesn't have to carry it around. He came in once and was hopping to where the crutch is and a women saw that her boy was staring at him hop. Her comment to the boy "Don't star at his handicap". Bruce's response, "Lady, I'm merely inconvenienced. You're the one with the handicap."
They get over it, we should too.
Merry Christmas to you and the husband and the pooch. Thank you for all of your wonderful thoughts. Just to let you know that us old VietNam Vets still think about the troops today and hope the best for them and their familys.
Posted by: Don at December 23, 2005 06:50 PM